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JFW - Just for Women
JFW - Just for Women
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_92.webp "A married man says he became âobsessedâ with another woman after meeting her at a course - but his wife has since forgiven him after realising it âwasnât his faultâ.<br/><br/>Ruth Perl, 58, and her husband David, 64, have spent 13 years recovering from the incident.<br/><br/>David never acted on his feelings towards the person he fancied - but he chose to tell the woman after confiding in Ruth.<br/><br/>He started researching an emotional experience known as âlimerenceâ - which means intrusive, romantic thoughts about another person. <br/><br/>David realised his feelings were unwanted - he had no control over them and wasn't interested in beginning an affair with the woman. <br/><br/>After telling Ruth about his realisation, the couple spent time rebuilding their relationship - and say theyâre happier than ever.<br/><br/>David, a couplesâ therapist from St. Albans, Herts., said: âIt wasnât a normal crush, it was weird and disturbing - but weâve put in the years to heal ourselves since.<br/><br/>âIt was a difficult one - I did end up telling the other person, as I was encouraged to do so through therapy.<br/><br/>âI think she was horrified - in hindsight, it was really unfair to put that on her.<br/><br/>âBut itâs all about forgiveness, weâve done the work and are happier than ever.â<br/><br/>David met the woman he developed feelings for on January 14, 2011 - after chatting to her at a training course.<br/><br/>Their conversation lasted less than 20 minutes, but David could feel he was âbesottedâ by her - without being able to put a finger on why.<br/><br/>âIâve had crushes before,â he added. âWe both have. But nothing like this - this was really unusual.â<br/><br/>David thought about her, night-and-day, for weeks.<br/><br/>He looked online at forums about âobsessive loveâ - and came across a post about limerence.<br/><br/>He said: âI thought, 'jeez, this is what Iâve got to a T.'<br/><br/>âSomethingâs not right - I was absolutely obsessed and I only spoke to her for 20 minutes.<br/><br/>âI kept going over every single word she said to me, every little action.<br/><br/>âThe moment Iâd wake up, Iâd rehearse in my head what I might say to her if she came up to talk to me.<br/><br/>âIâd experience soaring highs if she replied to an email - and extreme lows if she didnât.<br/><br/>âIt was like an intermittent reward.â<br/><br/>Knowing the feeling wasnât going to go away any time soon, he decided to tell Ruth - who also works as a couplesâ therapist.<br/><br/>She said: âDavid told me, and this was all going on about five days after my dadâs funeral.<br/><br/>âI was in horrific grief at the time, and so my first thoughts were: âOh, for godâs sake. How can you be so bloody stupid?â<br/><br/>âMy dad had just died, and my husband wanted to p*ss off into fantasy land.<br/><br/>âWe went into freefall, and it was a very, very difficult 12 months.â<br/><br/>After choosing to concentrate on grieving for her dad for a year, Ruth says she âfinally had the brain capacityâ to sit down with David, and ask him what was going on.<br/><br/>He hadnât acted on his feelings - and actively decided he wouldnât âconsummateâ the crush.<br/><br/>âDavid reached out to me,â Ruth said. âHe asked me, âplease help me understand whatâs going on.â<br/><br/>âHe was so confused. I asked him if he still wanted to be married, and he said, âI donât want to throw away what weâve got.â<br/><br/>âI told him to sit in the confusion, and Iâd do what I could to support him.<br/><br/>âBut I knew that what will be will be, we might not necessarily make it out of this.â<br/><br/>David said: âWe started having marriage counselling - and one thing I want to stress is it isnât an excuse to cheat.<br/><br/>âI was responsible for what I did - but it did make me realise that often, people donât set out to have an affair.â<br/><br/>David explored some of the ways therapists encourage people to âhealâ from limerence - including starving themselves from contact, or consummating it with the other person.<br/><br/>He settled on going to therapy, and letting the woman know he couldnât speak to her anymore.<br/><br/>Now, David and Ruth help other couples going through the same thing - and have taught their children, Hannah-Mai, 32, and Isobel, 29, how to value their own relationships.<br/><br/>Ruth said: âIt was important our two daughters knew about all this.<br/><br/>âThey were older teenagers when this was all going on, and they understood it.<br/><br/>âWe thought it was very important for them to understand that all marriages have differences - but you donât throw the towel in when the going gets tough.<br/><br/>âEven when youâre talking about a full-blown physical affair. Once is a mistake, twice is a habit.â")
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